Last night, I was sitting at home, enjoying some peace and quiet, and my thoughts started to take a negative turn.
I started thinking: “I really wish I could get my house organized and clutter-free and keep it that way,” and “I would love to grow succulents in some cute planters, but I’d probably kill them,” and “I wish I could make myself eat healthier and lose weight”… and on and on and on.
It then dawned on me that I was wishing my life away, thinking about all the things I wish I was doing, the things I wish I was capable of doing, and the things I wish I was.
It was then, in the most perfect moment, that Amanda Palmer’s song, “In My Mind,” popped up in my head.
I hadn’t listened to that song in quite a while, but I immediately grabbed my phone, opened YouTube, and found the music video. (Did it really come out ten years ago? Wow!)
If you’re finding yourself wishing away your life and wishing that you were something, or maybe someone, different, this is the perfect song for you.
After listening to it, I felt more at ease and more comfortable in my own skin. I’m glad I thought of this song, and I’m glad I was reminded that “I am exactly the person that I want to be.”
Here is both the music video and the lyrics. I hope it helps you find some peace, as well.
“In My Mind” by Amanda Palmer
In my mind in a future five years from now
I’m one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I’m in
And I will be someone I admire
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I’d be
And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I’ve become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I’ll be a good defensive driver
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I’ll never be the person that I thought I’d be
And in my mind
When I’m old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I’m so busy with everything
That I don’t look at anything
But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that’s not what I want
But that’s what I wanted
And I’d be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be
And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren’t really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I’ll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven’t finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I’m living in the moment
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn’t all that funny
That I’ve been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it’s funniest of all
To think I’ll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be
Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be
Bluntly Yours 